Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
