I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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