i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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