it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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