i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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