im holly from the hills drunk
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Sorry my hands just texted you
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You ate ashes out of my bong
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
