theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
