Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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