This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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