I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
