i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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