I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
