My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
