You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
