I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
