He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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