why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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