i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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