I think I won the penis lottery.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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