god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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