I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
