1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just found puke in my bra..
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
