I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
