A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
