funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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