dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I love you.
Bad choice
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
