Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
