This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
