I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
