Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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