Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
