I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
