this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
