You're completely useless in the revolution.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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