bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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