Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
