I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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