when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
