Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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