I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He did a backflip because drugs
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
