jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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