This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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