apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
