I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
