you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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