I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
