So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
