So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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