it hurts more in the daytime
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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