dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
